253. Step Close…..But

This song that I wrote is true of me. I’m sure it’s true of others too. Sometimes I call it the step close syndrome. I want closeness—oops I don’t want it—but yes, I do—but actually no. Here’s the song:

—

Step close, I want you,

Step close, I want you near,

Step close, I want you,

I want you here.

—

Oh no, I’m feeling surrounded,

Step back, I can’t breathe,

Step back, I made a mistake

And I want you to leave.

—

Hold me–I need you,

Hold me in your arms so tight,

Hold me–I need you,

And it feels so right.

—

Let go, I’m going to be smothered,

Let go, I’ve got to be free,

Let go, I’m being absorbed

And I cannot be me.

—

Just when I think I know what I’m wanting,

Just when I think I’m starting to care,

Just when I think I’ve finally found

A person with whom I can share—

—

Then it starts—I split down the middle,

Then it starts—I push you away,

Then my being starts acting double,

Come here. No, don’t stay.

—

Yes, No. I can’t believe myself and what I say,

Yes, No, Yes, No—Be here, go away.

—

Don’t touch, I have to have space but

Do touch, I want you so.

It doesn’t make any sense,

Yes, No, Come, Go, Yes. No.

—

© Copyright 1983 by Ann Freeman Price

252. Women in the Church

This is the other Bishop Kelly story that I want to tell. Yesterday’s story was about politics and the church. Today the story is about women in the church.

Once again, she was walking to the church in Virginia in her ministry before she became a bishop. And once again a man stopped her and asked her if she was the pastor of that church and she said that she was. He said, “I want to tell you that you’re doing a really good job.” She smiled her wonderful smile and said to him, “Thank you, you have just made my day.”

He put his hand out in a stop motion and said, “Well, no, the other thing I want to tell you is that you shouldn’t be doing it, because in the New Testament Paul says that women need to be silent in church.” She grinned and said, “Luckily, Paul didn’t call me to the ministry—Jesus Christ did!”

251. Politics and Church

Some years ago while attending the conference “Women and the Word” at Boston School of Theology, I was privileged to hear Leontyne Kelly preach. She was the first African American woman to become bishop and she held me captive whenever she spoke.

Over and over again in my life in the church (mostly United Methodist) as I have been a part of committees working for justice and social change, the charge has been “You’re getting too political,” and each time I respond by telling this story which I heard told in Boston by Bishop Kelly.

Before she was a bishop, she served a church in Virginia and as part of her community concern she ran for the local school board and won. One day as she walked to the church, a man stopped her and asked, “Are you the pastor of that church?” (as he pointed to the church). “Well, yes, I am,” she said as she paused to talk with him. “Well, I just want you to know that you’re getting too political and pastors of churches shouldn’t do that.” She thought for a minute and then looked at him and said, “Well, you know, I think back to the Old Testament when God told Moses to go to Pharaoh and tell Pharaoh to ‘let my people go.’ Now you just don’t get much more political than that!”

250. And Your Point Is?

When my grandson Zack was about 12, I was explaining something to him and I’ll have to admit that I was going on and on about it. He listened and paid attention, and when I finally came to an end he said, “And your point is?”

I laughed.

And I’ve thought of that since that there are times when I do go on, and backtrack and repeat and talk like I’m in a maze. And sometimes I hear myself asking “And your point is?”

And then there are other times when I come to the end of the day and I light a candle and in a prayer time I explain to Jesus about the crazyness of the day, how I meant to get more done, and this happened and that happened, and I took a few wrong turns in the day and I forgot five things that I meant to do, and then when I pause, I imagine hearing Jesus say kindly, “And your point is?”

249. LOVE in Stained Glass

I have a wonderful stained glass “Love” piece hanging in my bedroom window. It was Mother’s and it says “LOVE” in vibrant letters. It’s based on the steel sculpture by Robert Indiana and found at the Indianapolis Museum of Art. Mother liked that museum and liked their gift shop. Their shop now carries mugs, tote bags, art prints, notecards, jewelry—all with the same four letters with the “L-O” perched on top of the “V-E.”

I used it once for a children’s sermon at the American Baptist Church. I asked the children to see the light shining through and to then think about each day holding up their actions to the light to be sure that they could see love in each one of their actions.

It’s a tall order. But worth a try.

248. Love Tucked Around

In the 80’s I was looking for a house for my mother, my youngest daughter Dara, and myself and found one on North Broadway in Nyack, NY. It was known all around Nyack as the Waldron house for they had lived there many years.

Mrs. Waldron was there one of the times I looked at the house and the real estate agent hustled me from room to room, down to the basement, up to the second floor, into the attic, but at one point when I was in the living room, Mrs. Waldron stepped over and said to me, “I hope you buy this house. It has a lot of love tucked into all the corners.”

I did buy the house and I think she was right—it did have love tucked around. I moved Mother into her room on the first floor, and Dara and I were upstairs, and we added some love ourselves.

It’s interesting that you add love (or I guess you could add tension) to a house and you also add stories. And years later when you’ve picked up your stuff and moved again, when you look back and think of that house, you remember the stories and you think of the love.

247. Forgiveness

(A story in Seven Verses of Seven Lines)

—

I hear God’s words

“I have forgiven you”

I feel the wonder

and I question: All?

all my mistakes?

things I did?

things I should have done?

—

I question again: All?

I do not plan the wrong

but still it happens

how can forgiveness

be so complete

belief hovers

light breaks through

—

wonder explodes

as words repeat

“You are forgiven”

and I know grace

know in my heart-place

I did not deserve

and still received

—

I hear more God words

“You forgive too”

I ask new questions

How many times? And who?

the wonder wavers as I hear

“Every time”

“All”

—

I want to hold my anger

not give up the grudge

I want to wait

until some better time

when anger feelings

and grudges have melted

but that is not what I hear

—

the answers bounce

and echo off my questions

How many times? – “Every”

Who? – “All”

and in that heart-place

I feel the vibration of how

forgiveness works

—

there is a balance

not if-and-then

but a knowing deep inside

that as I receive and hold

the wonder of being forgiven

so I can give same gift

I can say “I forgive you”

to each one – each time

—

© Copyright 2012 Ann Freeman Price

246. Imagination – Part 2

Here’s another way (in addition to day before yesterday) that I use my imagination and it often backfires on me. My daughter called me on it once and I’ve been more aware since then. It’s usually a situation where I am looking back and feeling regret (guilt) about a decision I made. When I was talking to my daughter, I was regretting some decisions years ago when my four children were all teenagers.

She said, “Wait a minute—are you doing the guilt thing on yourself?” I said yes, that I guess I was. She said, “You know you are letting yourself think that if you had just made different decisions when we were teenagers, that the things we actually did struggle with wouldn’t have even been there. You’re imagining that things would have turned out much, much better. And the reality is they might have turned out much, much worse.”

I told her I didn’t think of it that way. She said, “Well, it’s not really helpful to imagine how things would have turned out if you had made a different decision, because you just don’t know. You have to take a breath and know that you did the best you could at the time and made the best decision—you were trying your hardest.”

All four teenagers made it through those crazy years. All four of them are loving adults that I am proud to be related to. And just as I tried to talk sense to them years ago, they now talk sense to me. Thanks!

245. Christ of the Lost

On my living room wall is a picture, titled “Christ of the Lost.” It’s interesting because when you first see it, it looks like an aqua background, some black lines, maybe a recognizable street light in one corner—but what is it?

I used it once as a children’s sermon (and these times with the children are also times with the adults). I told them the title of the picture and said, “Can you see Jesus in this picture?” They leaned forward, looking intently.

I held it up so adults could see it too, and said, “Let’s all of us look—Can you see the Christ?” It was quiet as people tried and tried to make sense of the lines in the painting. The children were shaking their heads no—that they couldn’t see it. And suddenly a man in the back of the sanctuary started down the aisle saying loudly, “I see him—I see Jesus—I see the Christ.”

He came all the way to the front, sat down on the front pew with the children, and carefully showed them until they each could see. He pointed out the lines that made up Jesus’ face, and praying hands. He showed the children the very few people huddled around the lamp light. Throughout the congregation adults were nodding that they could see too.

It’s interesting—once you see, you can’t go back to not seeing again.

244. Imagination

I disagreed with her and she disagreed with me. Then we went our separate ways but knew in a couple of days we were going to see each other again and try to resolve it.

And I thought it through and I imagined how that seeing her again was going to go. I figured it out. I knew what I would say. I imagined what she would say. And I was quick to have exactly the right comeback. She would say something else and I would have the best argument for that. And I would win. Imagination is an amazing thing.

Well we did get together again, and we did start to talk about the disagreement and I said what I had planned to say. She looked thoughtful and said, “You know, I think you’re right.” And it was over.

I have had times like this and ended up feeling cheated because I didn’t get to use all my arguments. I didn’t get to be clever and logical. And I was almost disappointed because it was over so fast and she just agreed.

There are wonderful uses for your imagination. I’m not sure that this is one of them.

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